The Troubled Existence of Sebastian Michaelis
by A. S. Oswald
Summary: GOOD LORD humans are weird. Totally inexplicable. Sebastian often finds himself utterly puzzled or fearing for his very life. (Short one-shots essentially making fun of Black Butler and its fanfiction. Not to be taken seriously. Also not targeted at anyone in particular. Includes violence, crack, Occasionally OOC.)


**1\. The Soulmate**

A clearly underage girl with an obnoxiously squeaky voice suddenly pounced on the unsuspecting butler, who stared at her with wide eyes. For the first time ever, Sebastian feared for his life.

"I think we're soulmates!" Conquest Jane Rainbow Sparkle exclaimed, grabbing at his tailcoat. He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, and why is that?"

She flicked her luscious, elbow length, silky smooth brown hair over her shoulder and beamed up at him with her perfect pearly white teeth. "I dunno, we just are."

He started backing away very very slowly. "I'm a demon. You know that don't you? I eat souls for breakfast, I'm incapable of love and I don't even have a soul of my own."

She batted her eyelashes at him, making him wonder if she had something caught in her eye. "But I'm your soulmate."

"No."

"But aren't you supposed to be, like, really possessive over me and turn me into a demon?" She advanced towards the increasingly terrified demon butler, a manic glint in her eye.

He peered down his nose at her. "But you're a human. I'm not, I'm pretty sure that's borderline bestiality."

"But I'm your soulmate. And you're really sexy." She reached out towards him, only to quickly have her skull crushed into tiny pieces.

The demon glanced at his bloodstained gloves indignantly, letting out a sigh. "I'll have to wash these now."

* * *

**2\. His Butler is not a Pedophile**

Sebastian was pouring tea for Ciel. The eye-patch clad twelve year old sat with a remarkably uncharacteristic blush upon his cheeks.

"Sebastian... I have something to tell you." He claimed, gazing up at the demon. He was a real hottie patotie.

"Yes, my young Lord?" Sebastian inquired.

"I... I love you."

"..."

"..."

Sebastian let out a long-suffering sigh. "My Lord. For the last time..." He began. "I. Am not. A paedophile."

Ciel sputtered. "B-but...Sebastian..."

The demon's exasperated gaze fell onto the little pirate as he began to move away from the sputtering young child. "My Lord, with all due respect, when have I ever shown the slightest interest in men? Let alone little boys, for that matter?"

"But it's what the fans want." Ciel pointed out.

Sebastian abruptly turned to the camera, scowling. "You should all be very ashamed of yourselves."

* * *

**3\. The Rabid Fangirl**

"OHMYGODITSSEBASTIAN!"

Sebastian stood, completely dumbstruck. "Do I know you?"

"OH MY GOD HIS VOICE HE'S SO HOT YES DADDY I WANT YOUR BABIES!"

His eyes shifted nervously around the room, searching for any kind of escape. "... We aren't the same species, it wouldn't work..."

If she heard him, she didn't acknowledge his statement. "CAN YOU SAY THE LINE?!"

"To which line are you referring to?" He inquired calmly, for fear of being mauled alive.

She squealed, seemingly vibrating on the spot because she was shaking so much. "SAY YOU'RE ONE HELL OF A BUTLER!"

The demon sighed. "... I am simply one hell of a bu-"

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEE~" The rabid girl began to foam at the mouth, before collapsing in a heap at the feet of the butler.

And that, Sebastian assumed, was the end of that.

* * *

**4\. The Secret Sibling**

Gemstone Glitter Brilliant Phantomhive knocked on the door to the Phantomhive Manor.

The door was tentatively creaked open and a head of black hair peeked out. "What business do you have here?" Sebastian inquired.

"I'm Ciel's secret sister." Her sapphire orbs gleamed like pools of water on desert sand. And this was usually the point in the story where Sebastian would stop to marvel at her actually quite ordinary eyes.

However, he only stared the young female down with disdain. "Ciel has never mentioned having a secret sister."

"Yes. Because I'm his secret sister." She repeated.

"Does he know to expect you?" He asked suspiciously.

"No. Because I'm his secret sister."

They both stared blankly at each other. Sebastian contemplated committing murder.

"So can I live here?" She pressed.

"...piss off." And with that, he slammed the door in Gemstone Glitter Brilliant Phantomhive's face.

* * *

**5\. Secret Sibling 2 - Reader Insert Edition**

Yin Lin was stood in front of a rather dubious looking Ciel Phantomhive. He sat at his desk, hands clasped under his chin.

"So why should I hire you?" The little pirate boy inquired.

Yin Lin shrugged. "I dunno, the author has to shoe-horn me in somehow." Her eye colour orbs gleamed. "Also if you could order Sebastian to marry me and give me his babies that'd be great."

Ciel sighed deeply. Another one. "Yin Lin, was it?"

Yin Lin nodded, flicking her hair coloured hair over her skin coloured shoulder.

"I don't even need another maid. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Yin Lin panicked. "But wait! It's actually me!" She pulled off her hair coloured wig revealing perfect glossy blue/grey locks which fell to her waist.

Ciel's eyes widened. "SEBASTIAN SHE'S BACK!"

Gemstone Glitter Brilliant Phantomhive cackled manically, descending towards her "brother."

When Sebastian booted the door off of its hinges, he was surprised to find Ciel had vanished. He sighed deeply.

"Not again."

* * *

**6\. A Very Long Name**

An absolutely perfect raven-haired beauty sent Sebastian her best flirtatious smile. Her crimson lips were clearly the symbol of a prostitute in the Victorian times but we'll just skip by that bit. We'll also ignore the fact that she looks like a close relative of everyone's favourite demon butler. Who said demons were above incest?

"Hello, I'm a demoness. My name is Anthea De Mars Shyde-O-Lantern Mykiswi Harington Iblis Arkynator La Moir Aphaphette Macedonia Latheron Palau Farrez De Bois Nicolas Estanislao-de-Koska Lorenzo Vicente Crisostomo Cristano Dario Ignacio Francisco-Javier Francisco-de Borja Higona Clemente Esteban-de-Hungria Charmole Bosanquet Filomeno Cayetano Joaquin-Picolimini Felipe Luis-Rey-de-Francia Evelyni Ricardo Esteban-Protomartir Genaro Nicolas Estanislao-de-Koska Lorenzo Vicente Crisostomo Cristano Dario Ignacio Francisco-Javier Francisco-de Borkia Higena Clemonte."

By that point, Sebastian had already left.

* * *

**7\. Neko x Seb, Nya!**

_(suggestion from TinyPetals)_

A girl with cat ears and a tail approached the Butler from behind. She had on nothing but thigh high socks and underwear.

The underwear she had on was probably a thong of some kind. Even though such items of clothing hadn't even been invented yet and Victorian women didn't shave, well anything.

"... Sebastian...?" She let out a high pitched giggle.

The Butler's posture went rigid. He paused in washing the dishes, turning around to stare at the cat-girl with wide eyes.

"Oh for fuck sake..." He whispered to himself. He raised a hand to his forehead. "When will it ever stop..."

The unnamed girl twirled a lock of blonde hair around her finger, attempting to bite her lip to appear sexy. In reality, she just looked like a fucking idiot.

"How did you get in here?" He demanded to know.

She opened her mouth to speak, playing with her tail- which Sebastian didn't even want to know where the other end was situated.

The butler cut her off, holding up his hand. "Actually, I've decided I don't care anymore." He paused. "I like cats. That doesn't mean that I- You know what? Never mind." He sighed, gathering a ton of cutlery in his palms.

Suddenly, Bard walked into the kitchen. He stopped to stare wide-eyed at the nearly naked woman. His eyes met Sebastian's.

"Who's-"

"Don't."

The sounds of high pitched shrieking resounded throughout the mansion.

* * *

**8\. An Encounter with Grell**

_(__theghostlytimes mentioned reapers, gave me an idea)_

Sebastian was running after some guy because Ciel ordered him to. He wasn't really sure why.

He came to a stop, staring at the darkened alley which the figure had dashed into. He made to follow, only to be stopped by a sudden tumultuous cackle.

Maniacal laughter sounded from above. The laughter moved slightly to the left, then went down a staircase. It stumbled and cursed, then the laughter started back up again.

A man who looked vaguely like a dinosaur drag queen walked out. "Fancy seeing you here Bassy~"

Sebastian made an "UGHHHHHHHH" sound which lasted for approximately two hours.

Ciel had only just caught up by the time Sebastian had finished. "Well, I guess we've been foiled again." He shrugged, walking off back to his Manor to sulk and listen to My Chemical Romance.

Sebastian sighed. "Is everyone in this story insane?"

* * *

**9\. How to Find Sebastian**

Ciel and Sebastian were out on business in London. Ciel turned to the butler, only to grow concerned that he wasn't there. He sighed. He didn't want to have to resort to this.

Through the bustling crowds, Ciel called out. "SEBASTIAN YOUR SOULMATE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!"

Sebastian's resounding screams of agony could be heard in the distance.

Ciel chuckled darkly. "Found him."

* * *

**10\. Yes Ciel, I am your Father**

Ciel trailed back to the Manor, Sebastian following loyally behind him. For some strange reason, random girls kept coming over to bother them, asking if they could live with Ciel or marry Sebastian or some shit.

Sebastian had been adequately taking care of everyone, a trail of blood and broken bodies lay in their wake.

"Stupid fanfiction shit..." Ciel grumbled as he moved along.

Random passersby's would see the bodies, then nod in understanding at the duo. They would walk away, complaining about fanfiction authors under their breaths.

_-Elsewhere-_

Somewhere in a faraway land in a random bedroom, a mysterious, though certainly hormonal adolescent female sighed. The light from her laptop shined off of her glasses in the otherwise very dark room.

"For fuck sake. Time for Plan B."

_-back in the land of fiction-_

Back with Ciel, Sebastian had just twisted the neck of another girl by the name of Mary Sue when a giant head appeared in the sky.

Ciel stared in disbelief. "Wha- Dad?"

"Yes. It is me, son." Said Vincent Phantomhive.

"What in the blazes is going on?!" Ciel demanded to know.

Several other people had noticed the giant head, but they all shrugged it off and moved on, muttering about fanfiction shit.

"Take one home with you son."

Ciel sputtered. "What?!"

"The Mary-Sue. Take one home with you."

Just then, Gemstone Glitter Brilliant Phantomhive descended from above, her beady eyes trained on the concerned boy.

"Wait, shit, not her! Not her!"

Ciel looked into the camera with a worried expression.

* * *

**11\. Falling into the Future**

_(Suggestion from a guest user)_

Ciel stared at the metal box which whizzed by. Startled, he made to grab Sebastian's hand, who quickly jumped back. That was pretty fucking gay.

"My Lord...where on earth are we?" The butler questioned, gazing at the bustling crowds of humans as they made their way down the streets of the rather noisy city.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?!" Ciel glared at the idiot demon, who sighed.

"I was only asking." He mumbled.

"Oh wow, that worked?"

The pair swiftly turned to see a young woman...standing in front of a rather large crowd of other adolescent women who were starting at the two hungrily, like predators. They each brandished candles and satanic symbols, black hooded cloaks adorning their menacing forms.

"Th...the chant actually worked?" The deranged looking cult leader began walking towards them.

Ciel swallowed thickly. "Oh boy..."

* * *

**12\. Arrested**

Following the brutal murders of the satanic cult, the demon butler paused as the sounds of blaring sirens approached from the distance.

"What on earth is that noise?" Ciel wondered aloud. Sebastian also looked completely befuddled, stealing a glance at the crowd of onlookers who watched on in horror.

There was a pause, before cries and shrieks of alarm sounded from the terrified group of people who had just witnessed the brutal slaughter of a cult of demonic fangirls. The onlookers turned and ran, like a stampede, leaving the pair standing in confusion as the sirens in the distance grew ever nearer.

Their confusion didn't last for long however, as minutes later Ciel was stood cackling as he watched the blood-covered Sebastian be bent over with his head resting on the roof of the metal box, being handcuffed and eventually thrown into the back of said metal box- which read "police" down the side.

"You don't have to say anything, anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

Sebastian only glared at the little imp who was clutching his side from where he was stood doubled over, projectile tears of laughter rolling down his reddened cheeks and his head thrown back in relish.

This didn't last for long however, as an officer soon approached the little boy.

Soon the two were sitting in the back of a police car, heading down the City Road and into the sunset, a hard glower set on both of their faces and a few choice words on their minds.

* * *

**13\. Fan Falls into Fandom**

_(Suggestion from a guest user and also I'm all for making fun of myself)_

"So let me ensure I'm understanding you correctly..." Sebastian began, staring down at the beaming teenage female, who adjusted her spectacles on her nose.

"You're from the future?" He questioned.

She nodded vigorously.

"And you've watched me and my young Lord's life on...a TV...?" He raised an eyebrow, having no idea what on earth a TV was.

"Yep! I'm completely trapped here and probably never going to see my friends and family ever again! So can I live with you and Ciel?" She quickly blurted out, smiling all the while.

"...you seem oddly happy for someone who has just lost everyone and everything they once knew..." He observed. She seemed very unhinged indeed.

Shrugging, she repeated herself. "Can I live with you? Please? I'll be a great maid, then at night you could sneak into my room an have your wicked wa-, hey where are you going?"

* * *

**14\. Black Butler at High School!**

_(Suggestion from Aservis Roturier)_

"Oh my God! Is that Ciel and Sebastian?!"

Ciel was stood at the front of a classroom of gawking teenage girls. Sebastian stood beside the young boy, his butler uniform having been replaced with his tutor outfit. Both wore equally perturbed expressions.

"...Sebastian how did we get here...?" Ciel whispered, glancing down at his school tie warily. It had just appeared out of nowhere!

Sebastian sighed. "Fanfiction my Lord. You know how it is..."

"Come and sit beside me!" Came the high pitched Americain accent from somewhere amidst the crowd.

Ciel coward behind his butler. "Why are they making that strange noise...?"

"Now now, young master, don't panic. I believe that's just the way they speak."

A shudder left the Earl. "Why do these things keep happening to us?"

* * *

**15\. You Can't Eat his Soul**

_(Suggestion from a guest user.)_

Ciel sat on a stone seat in an unspecified location. Of course, in season 2 it was revealed to be an island for demons or some shit but we're all in agreement that season 2 isn't canon.

"So...here we are." Ciel began, almost mournfully.

"Indeed. It is finally time for me to receive your soul." The hungry demon licked his lips. Finally, after years of hard work and starvation, he would get his reward.

Ciel sighed, closing his eyes awaiting his demise.

"Waiiiiiiit!" Came a distinctly feminine cry.

Both Earl and Butler turned just in time to see a young female bulldozed into the ground, leaving a crater the size of France.

Ciel looked mildly surprised. Sebastian sighed. "What is it now?" What did a demon need to do in order to get some peace around here? Hadn't he waited long enough?

A head of dark hair popped out from the crater. Then an arm. Then a torso. Then an entire person.

She staggered towards them, dazed and confused after slamming head first into the concrete. By rights, she should have been dead - but this is fanfiction and the laws of physics and biology don't apply here.

She brandished a battered and stained notebook which appeared to be burnt at the edges. "You can't eat his soul!"

Sebastian snarled at her, baring his teeth like a wild animal. "Why not?!" He ground out, his stomach giving a particularly loud grumble.

"You're supposed to be caring! And sweet! With human emotions. You care about Ciel-"

She was cut off from her monologue as Sebastian launched himself at her, devouring her whole in front of the wide-eyed boy. He licked his bloodied lips, eyes gleaming.

_Care for that bastard. Ha! Don't make me laugh._ He thought.

He turned to Ciel. "Well, she was right about one thing." He started.

"And what's that?" The boy wondered. What was she right about? Did Sebastian care about him? Would they walk away from the island hand in hand with hearts in their eyes and a trail of flower petals following in their wake? Perhaps, they would even ki-

"I can't consume your soul. I'm too full now."


End file.
